Tricked and Treated this ENTIRE weekend!!!

Well it is Monday morning and my mind is racing with all the fantastic things that occurred.  I shall make a list to begin:
     A.  I must apologize sincerely to a dear friend who's feelings I hurt by not mentioning his vital role in my social life thus far...  He is my social connection to every activity I partake in.  Without him I would be the kid who not only goes out alone but also never experiences the wonderful things life has to offer.  However I did indulge a little too much on the candy and it flipped my whole body out of whack...  So much for the diet but it was superior chocolates that had a rocking sugar high!!! haha
     B.  Old friends are blessed jewels of the womb of Jesus.  When you see an old friend out in a social setting and they haven't seen you since you fell off the face of the earth six months back and you connect and feel of their genuine concern for you, not only does it warm you up from the groin to the heart and right back down to the center unit, but also makes you a better person!  I am striving to achieve balance in all things in my life and a necessary part of me being better is being social.
    C.  I discovered I enjoy going out by myself: Last night, I got to talk to a lot more people, ran totally solo and it was liberating!!  I had met a wonderful friend and her man candy (quick side note: SHOUT OUT to the coolest hetero I have ever met... Not only does he appreciate my sense of humor, he's intelligent, handsome, and has not the slightest amount of insecurity with himself that he can handle my lack of censorship in a mixed sexualities atmosphere... So it has propelled the funniest relationship where I will go out of my way to try to make him feel uncomfortable and  i have yet been able to...) downtown at a chill bar to watch my boys GO STEELERS beat the pants off of her boys, the pats.  She had a prior engagement in which it stopped our ability to hangout longer and my friend was going to meet me down in Dupont at our favorite Queerakoe event.  He bailed...bummer.  Needless to say I still stayed at that bar in Full DRAG as Hedwig and the Angry Inch, if you have no idea who or what that is do yourself a favor and utube it.  I talked to everyone that I could!!  There were multiple times that I had to pull myself away from conversations because I had to dance for a minute.  The best part about it is I didn't have my money with me cause I had misplaced my wallet at said friend's house so I didn't even drink!!  Sober bar chilling is not a frequent event in my life, but that will speak volumes as to how much fun I had and coolness in the friendships I cultivated last night...  Love y'all
     D.  I'm dropping a big bomb on this and can't wait to see the carnage after it detonates, haha only yoking...  I sang last night and enjoyed it so much that it really has my heartstrings pulling on my talent strings to get back to singing and musical theater if at all possible.  In conjunction, I found out that the popular TV show America's Got Talent was auditioning here in the Nation's Capital and to I signed up to audition.  I honestly hope it will be the right size box I need to stand on and get noticed.  We'll see what happens, I have never really been a serious fan of this particular show and I didn't want to let the opportunity pass.  Because I might hurt some feelings out there I want to be Chelsea Handler Honest right now, it makes me absolutely sick that a thick bitch with no talent but good looks got paid 17million dollars to let people watch her wedding!  I love to sing and perform and have routes to try to get noticed doing so, wouldn't it make sense I grasp onto and try one of them?  Just wanted to give you a heads up about that one, its next Sunday... Expect to hear about it again...


Thus concludes today's session of whats going on down here in GayWorld, brought to you by a manny.  I will finish by noting publicly the difference it makes when you do a live-in position verses live-out.  I didn't get to see my lil man this morning because I slept in a bit, but I got to chill with him Saturday and Sunday and it makes life better!  So far the only negative thing about being a homo, but still a blessing as well: You give up natural procreation with the one you love but that in turn opens the window larger for gays to create beautiful homes and environments to raise smart and openminded children that would otherwise not have that good of upbringing.  That is a beautiful thing that naturally speaks to my heart.  I would love the opportunity to be some shit ton of kids second daddy!  I'm brangelina sistas and brothas!  But for real, I even teared up the one day when I was dropping off my boy at his school and his little friend kept insisting that I was his daddy.  I'm preparing for that, it's in my goal of things in the next five years and its terribly frightening how serious I am about it.  Love it!  That's my story...

Halloween with Besties!!!

I forgot that this Holiday now applies to all ages and generations.  I attended a banging party on a farm in the middle of nowhere last night with a huge bonfire, tents with DJs, plenty of booze and police and some really amazing people.  I love that consuming substances bring people from all walks of life together.  I could not stop talking to random strangers last night, all about my personal life and interests with them and hearing all about theirs.  I have not been so uninhibited in a long time!  My soul just automatically wants to trust people with my entire life and become new friends.  And it is SO SO SO nice to live in a city that is conducive to that atmosphere.  How things compare and contrast to the nightlife scene in Pittsburgh where I used to live is astonishing.  I can have 40 conversations with randoms in a night while drinking out, while in Pittsburgh it tends to be shady and judgey.  No one cares when I roll up with a full face of makeup and nail polish here.  They might wonder what I am about, but its generally coming from an understanding curiosity, not judgement.  I reconnected with a dear friend who works for a large energy drink company that sponsored the event, I felt like I was in Almost Famous because not only was my friend dressed as Penny, I had all access to behind the scene with the bandaids and made some amazing connections.  By the way my costume was DJ LanceRock from Yo Gabba Gabba, it is lil man's favorite and I took him to his school party last week and recycled for the adult party!  Tonight I plan on being Hedwig and the Angry Inch!!  LOVE that movie and will rock my inner drag queen for the one night a year I allow her to come out...


One of those very special connections was with a tattoo artist who does amazing work and we collaborated on what I want for my new tattoo...  So that is the goal for my self Christmas present, but we shall see if I meet my goals in order to achieve cool tat status by next year.


So now I am babysitting my little man, the love of my life.  Sister is at Grandma's so it is just us while Mom and Dad enjoy a date night out...  These have easily become the favorite parts of my life.  Mothers out there can I get some agreement:  He is in that new stage of communication where everything is the most interesting thing to him and he can't wait to tell you all about it.  He turned 2 last month and is already tackling huge sentences!!  This from the kid that had 15 words at 18 months and there was some concern from the rentals about autism...  However I have worked with and known autistically challenged(my coined phrase) children and there was never a doubt in my mind that this is one of the smartest and interesting kids I have ever worked with.  After waking from his nap this afternoon we stopped in the hallway where there is art hanging from the National Zoo, pictures of bugs.  We took the time to discuss the dragonfly and his wings, the beetle's body and eyes, and even a mosquito's stinger!  It amazes me the attention his little eyes pay to detail...  Is this normal??  Am I so blinded by love and pride in what a good kid I've raised in the last year??  This is what I am saying when Nannying is a hard job because your emotions get so involved.  There is never a really positive way to end your job once time has come to move on from a family!  Anywho, mini-gripe really quickly, diaper rash cream is a necessity for a child with sensitive skin and a long napper who will willingly lay in poodie diapers for hours.  I'm not sure if it is blatant neglect or just non-observance but it frustrates the shit out of me.  He was so sore from the wipe today that he sobbed whilst being cleaned!!!  Breaks your heart man...  I picked him up afterwards and sang him some homemade verses of a Mormon Primary song I used to love! haha.  I do it all the time, its so easy to rhyme and sing whatever the situation calls for, case and point bad diaper rash...  That's my story!

Communication and Support, 2 Sisters I don't have......

So begins the week...  This past weekend was jam-packed with fun filled activities: I met up with a dear friend I hadn't seen in months and we canoodled and talked til 330 in the morning, soberly I might add....  I woke after 3 hours of sleep to go downtown to the mall to walk and raise money/awareness to Sex Slavery in America (I was shocked at the numbers they shared from the podium of women trafficking right here in our own country)....  By 5:00 I was enjoying the Toddler Boogie! a fundraiser for my lil man's daycare school (I was so upset that his parents couldn't get him to wear the cute Halloween outfits I had found for him--he looked adorable in the duck costume but we also had a dinosaur...  I fell asleep early around 8:00 on the couch watching Project Runway from Thursday (GO ANYA!) and woke up at 130, my body telling me its time to be up and active, so I wrote some notes down, checked my email, surfed in my scubbies on the net, read a book, NONE of my tricks worked to help me fall asleep (even the standard one all males sometimes rely on but no one talks about-that didn't work either) SO I went to the gym, had an awesome work out and then came home........  I had a frustrating conversation with my soon to be ex brother-in-law and it inspired me to do yardwork!  Brought out my inner-immigrant I worked for 6 hours straight on getting all the shrubs cut back for fall and cut the grass.....  I had a busy weekend.


That being said, I have the amazing luxury of having 3 of the most amazing siblings anyone could ask for and when I am apart from them I want to tell them every detail of my life as if they were here!  This is a drastic leap from where I was 3 months ago when my mute persona was in town with the depression and I never told  them anything.  My oldest and wisest sister point black said to me, "Aar I love that you have changed and that you have exciting things to talk to me about but you're exhausting!"  This came out of the conversation after both Saturday and Sunday I blew up her phone, as well as my sister Megan's, for them to never respond to me neither by text or call.  We have all been in that frustrated situation and it pissed me off!!  Now I will present the better situation:  I called my friend Heather and she was busy with her 3 children so she didn't answer and shot me a text a half hour later explaining herself.  NORMAL!  I don't feel like my expectations are too high, just would appreciate some normality from them and common decency... Because if communication doesn't happen regularly people grow apart.  How can we feel support from each other if that is never communicated accurately?  As a childcare provider I used to think that the worst situation to be in was having different discipline ideas/techniques, however now I think its just talking to each other.  In my current job problem after problem have occurred because it is so difficult to communicate with 2 people who put career first in their life and not knowingly the children second.  It's so devastating to me because those sweet children suffer, that you have now paid me for the last year to care for and fall in love with.  No matter how you look at it, their care is compromised when adults don't make time to communicate with them/their nannies.


Climbing down from the soap box... I don't want to go into any great length of detail but I will drop a spoiler alert.  Yesterday an accident happened while I was watching the house and natural gas came pouring into their home..  The emergency was handled and all is fine--no one blew up, praise Jesus--however mine and the Dr.'s relationship will forever be changed because of the communication that went down.  That's my story...

Back in Action

       In the last 6 months I have suffered the hardest depression of my sweet little life(I picture underprivileged children in 3rd world countries saying "buck the hell up whitie, how bad can it be queermo?").  It has been absolutely miserable!  The hardest thing about mental illness is that you need your mind to make the decision that you need help; but how are you supposed to go about that if your mind is fucked up????  In special cases family and friends can step in and help but being one the most stubborn and hard-headed individuals alive my family was only allowed gentle suggestions.  If my life was brought up casually in conversation and even the slightest amount of criticism entered any of their mouths I would fly off the handle.  I have always been an enthusiastic, passionate and dramatic individual but everything hit me so personally and I would react so irrationally that I was dubbed sensitive steve.  Clamming up was my only option because I literally felt the weight of my illness like a giant black blanket that suffocated me from the inside out.  Articulating feelings was next to impossible.  Being social or in crowds of people was painful.  I was not the Aaron that I know and love.
     Praise be to the Lord that is all behind me!  Hopefully for the last time...fingers crossed and then pulled into a fist and knocking on wood.  Any other dumb rituals I can do to avoid cursing myself by writing that out loud?  I am pretty sure I am bi-polar, suffering from wonderful highs for months at a time followed by depressive bouts for months at a time.  As I look back and study my life this is now the fourth consecutive year it has occurred, coincidentally the exact same time I decided to come out of the closet and leave the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Well its only taken me til 26 to realize that if you don't change up the action you take, a problem will never fix itself.  I have turned to alcohol, I tried bottling it up like pickles to save for a famine, promiscuous sex worked about as well as denial, and even sweet little Maryjane couldn't cloud my mind enough to make it better.  So now I will resort to the professionals and I am keeping them crossed again that the pro bono ones are still legit cause nannying does not include benefits.  I am hopeful.  Can't get any worse than waking up in a bed soaked like a sponge of urine infused with vomit and the worst hangover of your life and a stranger in bed and thinking no one will miss me if I were gone!!!(ok I added the stranger for effect but the rest is real)  I really am glad I am being full frontal honest for all my family/world to enjoy...
     So as I embark on this journey to mental stability and happiness, I plan to visit a lot of old memories to help heal those wounds.  I hope to open up forums to discuss mental illness and try to help those who might be in my same situation get help and be healthier.  I hope to "Live my life as an experiment," a quote from The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron, an excellent book given to me by a new and dear friend that I am only on the first chapter and already love.
That's my story...